When someone comes to psychoanalytic therapy in pain, a simple yet profound question often arises:
“What is my desire?”
Many people immediately answer:
“I don’t know.”
That answer is not a dead end. In fact, it is a crucial first step. It opens the door to the next question:
“How can I come to know my desire?”
This question is central to both psychoanalysis Melbourne and psychotherapy Melbourne, because our suffering is often related to our desire what we truly want deep down, even if we cannot yet name it.
Why Desire Matters in Our Emotional Life
Desire is not simply about wanting a new job, a relationship, or a lifestyle. In psychoanalytic therapy, desire refers to our masked wishes and longings that shape how we live and experience the world.
These are unconscious desires. Even if we are unaware of them, they influence our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, suggested that our desires are often rooted in early family experiences. The way we related to our parents, siblings, or caregivers—through love, rivalry, or conflict—leaves lasting impressions on our emotional life.
Jacques Lacan, a French psychoanalyst, described it like this:
“Man’s desire is the desire of the Other.”
This means that we often come to understand our own desires in relation to others—through what they want, what they give, and what they withhold. Even how others look at or ignore us can shape our desire.
Think of two children fighting over a toy. One child wants the toy only after the other has chosen it. It is not the toy itself that matters, but the presence and choice of the other. In the same way, our desires are often sparked by the people around us.
Acting from Desire or From Others’ Expectations
Lacan also asked:
“Have you acted in accordance with your desire?”
Many of us act based on what we think others expect of us, rather than what we truly want. Parents, partners, teachers, bosses, or even society can shape these expectations.
When we live according to someone else’s desire, life can feel empty or repetitive. We may feel restless or unsatisfied, like running on a treadmill that never moves us forward.
This is a key insight explored in psychoanalytic therapy in Melbourne. Understanding the difference between your own desire and reactions to others’ expectations can be a powerful step toward self-awareness.
How Early Life Structures Our Relationship to Desire
Our desires can become tangled with early hurts, disappointments, or feelings of being loved too much, too little, or not at all.
For example, if a child wanted a toy but could not have it, they might respond by:
- Wanting to destroy the toy
- Wanting to harm the child who has it
- Feeling like they, themselves are the toy that was taken, discarded, or devalued
These early experiences can leave patterns that repeat in adulthood as anxiety, depression, or difficulties in relationships. Psychotherapy Melbourne helps individuals explore these early influences and understand how they continue to shape current struggles.
Desire Beyond Words
Sometimes, desire is expressed in ways that cannot be fully captured in language.
Using the toy example again, maybe it was never really about the toy. Perhaps it was about wanting to choose, to act, or to express an inner energy. Perhaps it was about noticing the other’s joy or freedom. Or perhaps it was about grounding restless energy by taking action in some form.
In psychoanalytic therapy, we explore these subtle and often hidden expressions of desire. Understanding them can help us connect with what truly motivates and inspires us.
Why Therapy Is a Space to Explore Desire
Ignoring our true desire can increase suffering. This can show up as:
- Anxiety or depression
- Repeated struggles in relationships
- Self-destructive patterns
- Persistent feelings of emptiness or dissatisfaction
Psychoanalysis Melbourne and psychotherapy Melbourne create a safe space to explore these questions. You do not need to know the answer immediately. Therapy allows you to speak about what troubles you, even if it is unclear or confusing.
Over time, you begin to uncover patterns, longings, and possibilities that were hidden. Each session is an opportunity to discover words, insights, and directions unique to your life.
The Role of the Psychotherapist
A psychotherapist or analyst does not give ready-made answers. They listen, ask questions, and reflect with you.
Through this process, you may notice:
- Patterns you never recognized
- Desires you had buried
- Possibilities you had not yet considered
Over time, psychoanalytic therapy helps you act more from your own desire, rather than from the expectations or demands of others.
Final Thoughts
The question “What is your desire?” may seem simple, but it touches the heart of our suffering and potential.
Desire is not a puzzle to be solved once. It is something to explore, rediscover, and live.
Psychoanalysis and psychoanalytic therapy in Melbourne offer a space to return to this question again and again. Through therapy, you can uncover ways of being that are truly your own, step closer to living authentically, and engage with life in alignment with your deepest self.
If you are seeking psychotherapy in Melbourne, exploring your desire in a safe and supportive setting can be the first step toward understanding yourself, reducing suffering, and living a more fulfilling life.
Book an appointment today and start your journey toward clarity and personal growth.